| nws_nig1a.oxt | 1.41 | 0xF4B2A821 | Nothing more American than prison and baseball. |
| nws_nig1b.oxt | 1.41 | 0x6F39FEEC | Sean Brown - Liberty Tree<br>Bill Owen was skeptical at first.<br>"Electronic shoes that tell me where to walk, guide me to deals, help me avoid bad areas of town, yeah right, that's just a dream!" said Owen. But that dream will become a reality with next quarter's launch of new Ifruit shoes, the wearable computing wonder announced by the electronics company famously known for its overpriced phones and tablets. The company also announced Ifruit underwear which vibrates when you are near a bathroom or fellow Ifruit underwear user interested in quick anonymous sex. |
| nws_nig1b.oxt | 1.41 | 0x1107FBD1 | Wearable computing gets real - iFruit Shoes. |
| nws_nig1b.oxt | 1.41 | 0x5952D31E | Henry Fernandez - Prattle<br>A vagrant broke into Tyler Dixon's Rockford Hills home and stole some of his clothes while the reality TV star was relaxing by his swimming pool. Ty-Di, the ex backing dancer who became famous for marrying Cloe Parker, divorcing her on TV, getting clean on a celebrity rehab show, losing weight on a celebrity dieting show, reorganizing his closet on a celebrity hoarding show, and solving a string of other personal problems for money on television, had a predictably moronic and arrogant response to the incident, "Can you imagine being so famous that people wanna steal your underwear? It's no big deal. I only wear clothes once anyway. It's just really humbling, dude." We'll stay on this story in case something interesting happens, which we doubt. |
| nws_nig1b.oxt | 1.41 | 0xB9FDCDBE | Ty-Di home invader makes of with wardrobe. |
| nws_nig1c.oxt | 1.41 | 0x1E3C238E | Vinewood bigwigs getting horn for endangered species. |
| nws_nig1c.oxt | 1.41 | 0x71B1CA78 | Poor Kerry's pooch. |
| nws_nig1c.oxt | 1.41 | 0xA841E4FE | Gareth Wyn - Starstalk<br>What started out as just another obscenely extravagant Portola Drive shopping trip for supermodel Kerry McIntosh ended in terror when a maniac chased down her beloved dog Dexie and stole its $ 3,000 collar. Police are still looking for the assailant, described by eye witnesses as a Caucasian homeless drug addict somewhere between 40 and 60 years of age. Police have no leads but our hearts break for Kerry who must be devastated. |
| nws_nig1c.oxt | 1.41 | 0xAE0F7095 | Baylee Capella - Prattle<br>When Derek Milanese pleaded guilty to trafficking endangered species and grinding up rhinoceros horn for his best-selling protein plus powders, he was unapologetic. "People have to get healthy, get fit, get big, get dumb, and I show them how. Milanese said in court "I had no idea that the ingredients I was buying from that Asian gentleman at the docks were from an endangered species. I thought it was ginger whey powder from China." When asked what ginger whey was, he replied "I don't know." |
| nws_nig1d.oxt | 1.41 | 0x3F819940 | Ian Garraway - Liberty Tree<br>The recent revelation that United States Senators and Representatives are being sexually swayed to pass or stall legislation by an ingenious group of attractive lobbyists is troubling. ID K Street hired the most attractive women right out of college and trained them to use their influence on politicians to get legislation passed or stalled. "It's fun!" said lobbyist Bailey Kane. "I wriggle on a guys lap and he stops something called the Affordable Care Health Care Thingy. I feel like I've helped someone." |