| nws_nig1d.oxt | 1.41 | 0x34C187BA | Shame on Senators and Representatives. |
| nws_nig1d.oxt | 1.41 | 0x41F82227 | Golf attack rattles elite. |
| nws_nig1d.oxt | 1.41 | 0x71D77DEB | Baylee Capella - Prattle<br>Film director and producer Mark Fostenburg was the victim of a violent attack today when an armed assailant confronted him on a Rockford Hills golf course and stole one of his golf clubs. Mr. Fostenburg, who has made billions of dollars reproducing the same action movie plot over and over again just with different protagonists and enemies, has sensitive palms from a life of no real work. He had the golf club custom-made for him in Japan with seal skin grips. Fostenburg brushed off the incident, telling police it wasn't worth him wasting his time filing a report because he can "buy a million more of those golf clubs tomorrow, and they cost 20K a piece, so you do the math." |
| nws_nig2.oxt | 1.41 | 0xB1750472 | Government listening in on your phone sex. |
| nws_nig2.oxt | 1.41 | 0xD6ECD407 | Anna Foster - Los Santos Meteor<br>Al Di Napoli has been kidnapped by a group of unknown, possibly elderly, assailants who pursued him in a high-speed chase through the streets of Los Santos, leaving a trail of carnage in their wake. Eyewitnesses report seeing the actor being put into the trunk of a car outside the Pillbox Hill Medical Center by what looked like a homeless man. It's a story unbelievable enough to be reminiscent of the kind of action movies Al used to star in before he discovered methamphetamine, and police are curious why the kidnappers picked Di Napoli, whose career has been on the skids for a over a decade, rather than somebody more famous or relevant. At this time, no ransom payment has been requested. |
| nws_nig2.oxt | 1.41 | 0xDC3459F0 | Di Napoli kidnapping has family in tears. |
| nws_nig2.oxt | 1.41 | 0xE6C573B8 | Rick Simpson - Weazel News<br>Despite the petty concerns of privacy advocates, the government is sensibly monitoring phone, text, and web communications to protect us from another terrorist attack. But as part of this effort, agents are also forced to monitor calls of people having phone sex. Agent Timothy Davis says he's heard about enough. "People think that monitoring private conversations would be fun and exciting, but it's mostly really boring people separated for economic reasons jacking off on the phone." The government has promised to continue the program. |
| nws_nig3.oxt | 1.41 | 0x2F64E7DC | Your phone is killing your love life. |
| nws_nig3.oxt | 1.41 | 0x35F912B1 | Robin Wark - Los Santos Meteor<br>We can confirm that Al Di Napoli has been found dead on the train tracks by the Palmer-Taylor Power Station. Emergency workers have still not recovered all of the actor's body, which was only identified by his distinctive over-sized veneers. Our thoughts are with the Di Napoli family. While they were preparing for the worst after his kidnapping, surely getting mangled by a freight train was not high on the list of possible outcomes and, if it was, police should probably talk to them. |
| nws_nig3.oxt | 1.41 | 0x73488D4F | David Christian - Daily Rag<br>You see a pic of her online. She is irresistible. You begin sending messages. Pretty soon you're stopping what you are doing at work to check if she's sent a message. Your phone beeps. Thrilled, you check it. You sigh in despair. It's a message from your current significant other - nagging you about something irrelevant. Your heart dies. Many experts say that your phone is killing your love life. Instead of anticipating returning home, men are barraged by messages from their spouse, pushing them to the point of infidelity. A new initiative sponsored by Whiz Wireless encourages men to have a "good boy phone" for their wife or girlfriend and a "naughty boy phone" for things that actually make them happy. |